The 5 love languages is a framework created by Dr. Gary Chapman, categorizing the five different ways in which we feel most loved.
This framework is based on the fact that everyone experiences love differently. Some want to be constantly told that they’re loved, while others value undivided attention from their partners. Although we need to be loved in every way, we will not feel loved if our partner doesn’t give us our primary love language.
Dr Chapman is an author, speaker, and marriage counselor. He has been involved in family counselling for over 40 years. And has helped hundreds of couples at the brink of divorce using the 5 love languages.
Now, do I think that the 5 love languages is an oversimplification of love? Yes, I do. But does it help relationships grow? Yes, it does.
Allow me to introduce the 5 love languages: Quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service.
Quality Time
People who value quality time feel loved and appreciated when their partner gives them their undivided attention. The time they spend together has to be quality time, which usually means no screens and a lot of eye contact. Here’s how:
- Take them out on dates regularly
- Go on walks together
- Have a show that you only watch with them
- Make eye contact when they speak
- Put your phone away when you are together
- Be curious about their inner world
- Spend intentional time with them
- Make memories with them by having unique experiences together
Physical Touch
Physical touch does not only mean sex. Let’s say it again for the fuckboy at the back, physical touch does not equal sex.
The most beautiful description of physical touch as a love language I ever heard said that physical touch is respecting the relationship you have with someone’s body.
That means showering your loved one with small loving touches throughout the day. Here are some suggestions on how to do just that:
- Hug them
- Hold their hand
- Forehead kiss
- Put your hand on their leg
- Give them a massage
- Play with their hair or run your fingers through their hair
- Cuddle
- Hug them from behind
- Give them a shoulder rub
- Kiss
- Have sex
- Sit close to them
- Hold their face when you kiss them
- Give reassuring squeezes during emotional moments
- Kiss them goodbye every time you leave
- Hug them hello every time you see them again
Words of Affirmation
People whose love language is words of affirmation want to hear that they are loved. They want to hear how much you appreciate them and how proud you are of them. Here are some examples of how to do that:
- Say ‘I love you’ when ending calls, saying goodbye, and just randomly
- Write them paragraphs, and paragraphs expressing how much they mean to you on every special occasion (like their birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary, etc)
- Thank them for small, everyday things
- Compliment them
- Tell them you are proud of them when they achieve something or make progress
- Reassure them when they feel insecure
- Encourage them when they feel stressed
- Compliment them in front of other people
- Leave them sticky notes with sweet messages
- Brag about them
- Make them a 90+ reasons why I love you jar
- Call them randomly just to tell them that you love them
Gifts
No, the people with this love language are not gold diggers. They are people who want to feel seen. They want to feel understood. Because these people are not asking you to buy a private jet or Louis Vuitton bag, they are asking for a gift that feels like them, a gift that shows that you care.
- Buy them flowers
- Buy them their favourite snack just because
- If you don’t live together, bring them something every time you see them
- Keep a running note of things they mention liking and get them for them
- Gift them a book you think they’d love
- Get them a subscription you think they’ll enjoy
- Send them a delivery when you can’t be there physically
- Make sure your gifts are thoughtful
Acts of Service
People who value acts of service feel loved when their partner helps them make their life easier. They feel loved when they are taken care of. They don’t want to feel alone; they want to feel like you are there for them. And you can help them carry life’s burdens. Here are some ways you can do this:
- Clean the house without being asked
- Cook their favorite meal
- Drive them
- Do a task they dislike without being asked
- Show up on time and follow through on promises
- If they ask you to do something, please don’t them ask a second time
- Handle all the logistics when going on vacation
- Offer practical help when they feel overwhelmed
- Support their goals with real effort
- Do things for them without them having to ask
That concludes the 5 love languages. I hope you got ideas on how to love on your partner.
Remember, loving someone well is not about loving them the way you prefer, but about loving them in a way they can actually feel.
Although this is straightforward, I still highly recommend reading the book; it is so juicy. There are stories about multiple couples whose marriages were saved by the 5 love languages. It was a very fun read.
Thank you so much for reading.
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