Imagine you are the world’s greatest public speaker. You have spoken in front of hundreds of thousands of people at a time. People love coming out to hear you talk, and you love sharing your knowledge with them.
On a random Tuesday, I hand you a mic and tell you that you are going to deliver a speech to a hundred people about a topic of your choosing. How are you feeling?
Now, on that same random Tuesday, I hand you a scalpel and tell you that the patient is ready. You have to operate on this patient and remove their brain tumor. How are you feeling?
That is confidence in a nutshell.
Confidence is an internal sense of competence and self-trust that allows you to act without needing certainty or approval.
Confidence, real confidence, is about self-trust. It is not a fake it till you make it situation, because how exactly are you supposed to fake being a brain surgeon?
And the only way to build self-trust is through practice. Below are the steps to help you build unshakeable confidence.
Keep Your Promises
Having confidence in yourself comes down to trusting yourself. And trusting yourself comes down to keeping the promises you make to yourself.
Be a woman of your word. When you say you are going to wake up at 5 am tomorrow, do it. If you say you are going to the gym tomorrow, then do it. Do not go back on your word. When you say you are going to do something, you need to believe yourself.
If you keep breaking promises to yourself, over time you erode your self-trust and along with it your confidence.
Practice Competence
It would have been weird if I handed you that scalpel and you instantly felt confident and ready to operate on that patient. When you have never set foot in medical school, the only point of reference you have of this is grade 10 Biology.
Of course, you have no confidence in taking out a brain tumor because you have never done that in your entire life. And you feel chill, excited even when you have to address a hundred people when you are used to talking hundreds of thousands.
Confidence is not something that you are born with; it’s something you practise. You earn confidence through repetition.
You show up for yourself day after day. Then suddenly you believe that you have your own back. And this confidence bleeds into all aspects of your life. It shows up in the way you carry yourself, take care of yourself, speak to and about yourself, and the risks you take.
Stop Renting Your Confidence
I was scrolling through Instagram reels as one does when I came across this creator who was saying that she has realized that she has been renting her confidence. She is only confident when her nails, hair, and lashes her done. And I was like damn!
Maybe you are also guilty of renting your confidence, letting external factors dictate how good you feel about yourself. But real confidence is not that fragile. It is stable because it is rooted in your sense of self rather than ever-changing circumstances.
The good news is that this kind of confidence can be built, and it has nothing to do with how you look or how well you’re performing. You build it by showing up for yourself and honoring your values without relying on external validation.
Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway
This is the best way to build confidence. To do something before you are ready. And it doesn’t matter if you mess up; all that matters is that you did it.
When you do this, you prove to yourself that you are the type of person who doesn’t let fear stop them. Each time you take action despite fear, you reinforce your own courage. You realize that being brave doesn’t mean feeling fearless. It means doing what matters anyway.
Self-Respect
Self-respect is about setting boundaries with yourself and others. When you honor your time, energy, and values, you automatically show yourself that you are worth trusting and valuing.
Confidence grows when you consistently act in ways that reflect your own standards, not someone else’s expectations.
Forgive Yourself
In life, you are bound to mess up in some way. It is very important that you forgive yourself when you do.
Forgiving yourself allows you to acknowledge mistakes without letting them shake your sense of competence, which is the foundation of stable confidence.
I know how hard it can be to learn to forgive yourself, which is why I have a dedicated section in my book that guides you through the process.
Positive Self-talk
It is difficult to be confident when you are constantly putting yourself down. You need to be on your own side, and positive self-talk is how you do it.
Positive self-talk helps you treat yourself like a teammate rather than an enemy. Instead of letting every mistake or setback chip away at your confidence, you remind yourself that you can handle it and move forward.
How to Build Confidence
Building confidence isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about showing up for yourself, trusting your choices, forgiving yourself when you mess up, speaking kindly to yourself, and respecting your own standards.
Do these things consistently, and confidence becomes less about luck or talent and more about the way you live your life.
I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for reading. Now, go out there and be confident.
If you want to elevate your relationship with yourself, get my book: No Bullsh*t Guide to Self-love, here.
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