Have you ever wondered why you cannot stick to a habit to save your life? Or, on the contrary, wondered why other people struggle to stick to their goals when you can stick to them with ease? Well, I have come to answer that question with the Four Tendencies framework by Gretchen Rubin.
In preparation for the new year, I decided to read the Four Tendencies. I have known about this framework for years now and have only applied it to my goal-setting sometimes. But as I looked at my list of uncrossed goals and unrealized visions of 2025, I knew something had to change.
What Are The Four Tendencies?
The Four Tendencies is a framework used to answer the question: how do people respond to expectations, both inner and outer expectations?
This question gives rise to the Four Tendencies:
- Upholder
- Obliger
- Questioner
- Rebel
- Upholders respond to both inner and outer expectations alike.
- Obligers respond only to external expectations.
- Questioners respond to inner expectations.
- Rebels do not respond to both inner and outer expectations.
Importance of Learning About Your Tendency
It is cool that Gretchen found yet another way to categorize people in her research. And congratulations to her, but why should you care?
You should care because Gretchen found a way to help us meet the expectations that are placed upon us daily. It is a way to help us achieve our goals and create lives that are in alignment with who we are. It helps us form and, most importantly, stick to habits that will keep us happy and healthy.
If you feel like something is wrong with you because you are super inconsistent with working out, drinking water, going to the doctor, being early, or saving. Please keep reading, you will thank me later.
Upholders
If you are an upholder, you are probably reading this purely out of curiosity. Upholders are good at following rules (external expectations). They are equally good at making themselves do something (internal expectations).
I am not going to dwell much on this tendency because I am writing this post so that you and I can learn how to stick to our habits in a way that feels natural to us. And upholders have got sticking to habits in the bag.
Before you get any ideas, no, Sarah, you cannot change your tendency to this one. The way we respond to expectations is innate. We instinctively lean towards one tendency. And we cannot do anything to change that.
And I just want to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being an upholder. There is no “right” tendency, even though being an upholder looks mega sexy. There are drawbacks to having this tendency, just as there are with every other tendency.
Obliger
Obligers are extremely reliable. We rely on them at work and at home. We know we can always count on them to pull through for us (external expectations).
The problem is, they can’t rely on themselves. They are horrible at making themselves do things (internal expectations).
Which is where accountability comes in.
If you are an obliger, baking accountability into the habits you want to do for yourself is a game-changer. This is because accountability externalizes your internal expectations. You will then feel obligated to do your personal habit because you don’t want to let someone else down.
For example, if you want to run a marathon, you can join a club to help you train, have a friend to train with you, or hire a fitness trainer.
If you want to write a book, try getting the type of editor who will breathe down your neck. This way, you know they are always watching, and you don’t want to disappoint them.
Do not make private New Year’s resolutions that you hope you will find enough willpower to accomplish without involving anyone else. That would be setting yourself up for failure.
There is no shame in operating this way. I personally think it is beautiful. I wish I were as reliable as you guys.
Questioners
Questioners question. They not only want to know how things are done, but why they are done that way. They ask endless questions because they don’t do anything unless it makes sense to them (internal expectations).
They don’t just do things. They want to get things done the right way, whatever that means for them.
They have immense curiosity and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Which are traits we could all use.
But there is a huge trap they can fall into when they are trying to start a new habit: Analysis paralysis. As much as they can make themselves do things, they can become an obstacle in their own way. They might spend months researching the best exercises to do instead of just exercising.
To curb this, they can do extensive research to find an expert whose judgment they trust. Then have the expert create a plan for them.
They should also set deadlines for their research, so that it doesn’t take them a year to find an expert.
Rebel
Rebels do not want to be bossed around, so no one can make them do anything, including themselves. They want to do what they want, when they want.
And unfortunately, my angels, this is where your big sis falls. Not unfortunately, because rebels are highly creative, driven, and trailblazers.
Since we can’t tell ourselves what we want to do. We struggle to keep up with our habits. But there are a few things we can do to help the situation.
We value authenticity and are attached to our identities. So, if we attach our habits to our identities, we can get mega results. I know this to be true in my own life; no matter how busy life gets and how bad things get, I always read 40+ books every year. And I don’t even consider this a habit because it’s just a part of who I am. Reading is a part of me.
We love challenges. Phrasing something as a challenge gives us so much motivation. I literally tell myself, “You can’t do this.” As a way to motivate myself to achieve my goals. That’s right, ladies, I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and I tell myself, “Bitch, you are crazy. Who do you think you are? You will never get this.”
This is not negative self-talk because I am doing it intentionally. I am intentionally telling myself that I can’t do it as a way to motivate myself.
Make your habits flexible. One of the worst things you can do is box yourself into something. Do not plan your habits too much in advance. For example, my current workout routine (I am almost positive it will last): I work out on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
On Monday, I do a full-body workout. Tuesday is lower body. Thursday is upper body. And Friday, I do a dance workout.
I have different playlists with the different workouts, and on the day I pick the workout I want to do. Some days I work out for 20 minutes, and other days I work out for 90 minutes.
And the best tip is to allow yourself to do whatever you want whenever you want to. If, at 11 pm on Sunday you suddenly get the urge to clean the garage. Don’t wait till the morning. Do it, clean the garage at 11 pm.
Final tip is to never seek accountability. That is a sure way to ensure that you never accomplish your goals.
Understanding your tendency is the first step to mastering your habits. Whether you’re an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or Rebel, knowing how you respond to expectations allows you to design a system that actually works for you.
The goal isn’t to force yourself into someone else’s mold; it’s to use your natural tendencies to make your habits stick, achieve your goals, and create a life that feels aligned, intentional, and fully yours.
You can take the quiz on Gretchen’s website to figure out your tendency. Remember, there is no “right” tendency.
Thank you for reading.